I remember feeling like I should be dead like the air doing it’s thing was wasting effort. To be alive without having the taste for life. Waking up daily tired of the day the moment it starts.
“I’m not lethargic, I’m dead inside” one big joke we all seem to relate with. Seems easier to relate to death these years. I almost died, we’ve buried so many. Even the jokes have to kill me, if I’ll feel anything.
When sunsets no longer take your breath away what do you do? Give it away? I spent the most parts of 2023 asking myself why was I still alive. I had spent 29 years relatively accident free and in one year I had experienced more than 5.
The batteries in my body were giving out and I couldn’t understand it but I accepted it. I was tired and tired for that long needed a sleep to last the ages. That’s the logic I could string together. Yet everyday I woke up, bathed and tried to have a stress free day.
I was mid anxiety attack when one of my mum’s got sick in a way that’s scares you straight. Sober and when she died I felt survivors guilt. I was out here depressed and angry with the world because of all my set backs and comparing the hustle and value of losing my car. Needing to replace personal things again and again because of the different accidents.
I was comparing all that hustle to the entire value of my life. It feels silly to fight yourself on a life you have while others don’t even get the options to consider.
When I’m dead all this pain I’m allowing myself to drown in won’t be necessary. But what do I do with all this pain. Where do you burn your real unresolved issues?
One thing is sure, “When it’s your time Shasho, it’s just your time” and when it’s your time, can you ask for more?
I’m writing this book of poems because the only things we can control is what we do. The fault in our stars coined it perfectly, Pain demands to be felt. But even more emotions demand to be felt. So I’ve been exploring my emotions and through conversations with other people exploring how others feel.
More than anything I hope you can find poems that resonate and start healthy healing conversations. That can also take us to therapy, individually, as a couple or even a whole family.
Cleaning wounds is uncomfortable and sometimes can also be really painful. Better a little pain and we keep the limb than a forced amputation.
May we build healthy relationships and be safe spaces for all the people we interact with.
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