Freedom
Growing up I remember wanting to be grown. I wanted to have the power, whatever the power really was. I couldn’t say I was looking for freedom, I didn’t exactly know what it was. Was freedom something tangible that I could touch and feel? Was it a construct like time or a burning supernova of destruction because “we are free to do as we please.”?
I was too busy daydreaming, I found out late that freedom equals money by the terms of societal construct. To be fair, school didn’t teach that either. It taught us all to rush for a small door with few options while paradoxically teaching how infinitely large the world is. Or maybe that was just my experience.
To be fair it’s not like I was spoiled so if I was broke, which was usually a lot, I just took the long route and used my head to imagine and bit by bit build for it or pray really hard. So it was never a question of if I had money, more my desire to do something about it.
Ever notice how society has a set of pre-required standards for every step of the life journey. You can do anything you want to as long as it’s within this standard. That’s why I didn’t know how high money was on the value scale for most people.
Go to pre k and primary then secondary. After formal education, go to university, get a job, get married, have kids and somehow in all of this chaos get rich. The standard is set and most times I have felt even prepare you adequately to be Free. It goes from you’re not allowed to date to “we don’t see you with any girls.” I didn’t even get the “you’re allowed to date” memo. There seems to a script and a timeline set.
Just random awkward questions about marriage and some future kids. When honestly the thought of my childish self raising another child, hilariously scary. Like I can picture my childish self changing diapers and spraying water when the smell is too foul. I don’t even want to think about all the big stuff that has to happen in this prearranged script.
In a world where I have so many options of spices to make my food taste amazing. But only one societal standard for how to grow thrive and be successful. I have to wonder, do I really have a choice? In a world where I have to rack my mind for ten minutes to decide amongst the many flavours of cheese. Yet I can’t work out what’s before me enough to make good judgement calls for the direction of my own life.
When you can pick any horse to win the race but the horse you really want, did we really pick? Such is the world I feel we live in. A world where options are plenty and if you don’t come alive to the realisation early you find yourself feeling stuck behind high walls, unable to escape.
For a long time it didn’t really matter because I couldn’t be bothered to think about the options. Perhaps I should have remained that way, because once you see behind the curtain there is no going back.
I didn’t know I needed to think for myself, for the most part I also didn’t know that my thoughts mattered in the war of what was best for me. So subconsciously I listened to whatever the strongest voice in my head was saying and did that instead.
Funny thing about peeping behind the curtain is you can know yet still go on living like you don’t know. The one thing we are blessed with is knowledge, simply Google it. Having that knowledge has made me think because I know that’s good enough.
Knowledge is not the same as wisdom. Wisdom is doing.
From the movie, The Peaceful Warrior
I knew so much yet did so little and when I tried to do the much I thought I knew, I discovered I knew even less.
I discovered it’s because I hadn’t been asking the right questions, yet when I started asking myself the right questions. Instead of getting answers I found myself getting more questions.
Like, you’re almost thirty why aren’t you getting married? What does being thirty have to do with marriage? What does one even do when they get married? Is it all about the sex? What happens when we’re not having sex as much or even interested anymore?
Before the spiral is allowed to descend me into madness I conclude having not answered any question relegated to fight another day.
Freedom is a difficult conversation for anyone, I’m struggling just to get out the door on this one but I guess it looks different for everyone. Perhaps the only thing that I think is similar is the fact that to be free one must make choices and come to judgements based entirely on one’s own free thinking and most importantly bear the consequences for those choices.
To be free, you must pick your struggles and how you will struggle with them. You’re allowed to listen to advice but never take commands. Whether it’s picking amongst two hundred flavours of drinks or what to do with the rest of your life. Never be commanded to do anything, because the price of those unwanted choices eventually starts to weigh heavy.
But what’s free? What is freedom? Just because I get to choose does that make me free? There is still the bit about being responsible and accountable for my choices and all those consequences.
Sometimes it doesn’t feel free, it just feels heavy, that’s the responsibility. Running away from responsibility for whatever reason hurts and it hurts even more because you know how many people you’ve hurt. A good reason doesn’t stop the damage caused. Responsibility doing the right thing, being accountable to my word.
So what is freedom?
It’s a force field of my values, holding me accountable to who I am.
I don’t know the full scope of those values or who I am. All I know, life is dynamic and unforgivingly transformational, that my whole world could suddenly change over night. Only for freedom to take a totally different meaning.
Whatever freedom is for you, I hope the process of creating it is more fun and adventurous than my journey.
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