Figuring out my voice

Growing up in homes that don’t exactly know how to keep secrets, everyone speaks loudly. I look back now and realise I internalised too many things. One of which was my voice.

This isn’t to mean I don’t have a voice, I just didn’t know which voice belonged to me. Put differently, my mind was constantly echoing the thoughts and ideas of everything in my environment. I soaked it all up like a sponge and instead of figuring out what was mine. I clamped it altogether making it difficult to unclamp when I needed to draw from it.

2013 was the year the dominoes started falling for me. University! Beautiful freedom, that more than not made me question everything I did or was going to do. Question and answer.

So for once in my life with only the fear of me dealing with the consequences of my choices. I embarked on a path, where I faced every choice in life through the scope of parental reason and then asked, why?

This led me to starting Kutambokisa where truth be told I had amazing help and I honestly didn’t know what I was doing half the time. The experience with asking a question and finding my own answer then being expected to be heard by others. Listening to others and providing each other with critique where necessary, for some reason, doing all this set my heart ablaze.

Doing something set my soul on fire, and I couldn’t stop asking, why? Now at some point through the process of life Kutambokisa faded into the distance. Life happens and we learn what the next step is. Kutambokisa by the way means Express Yourself (we will definitely keep talking more about this later🥰)

The void left by not solving Kutambokisa questions led me to want to solve something else, me. I got so fixated watching the world and tinkering with myself that I eventually stumbled upon writing. Not just writing but the power of thought, the ability to wield images so vivid in your third eye and articulate as such with a wiggle of the tongue.

It’s been through this writing process that I’ve discovered I didn’t actually have much confidence in my ability or the words coming out of me. Now if you know me you might think I’m telling a lie, but I have come to believe if as a person you lie to yourself about even 1 thing you feel this lack within you.

It’s a strange feeling to feel yourself be lacking. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily believe in good or bad people as permanent predispositions I just believe people are people. But whatever the standard that was set over my life I felt like I was being deceitful to myself.

I had to find a map to this destination I was planning to travel. I asked and asked and asked I kept getting different answers across the board. However daily I also got a constant reminder. It would tap me when I awoke, or right before I ate a meal, or if I felt grateful about a thing. This reminder was on my relationship with Jehovah God (more on this later).

This map showed me that I had to be true to myself. Truth I found begins with words, thoughts and how we think to ourselves. So I had to start thinking and talking to myself differently. Differently simply means being mindful and using words the right way. For truly words have power.

I will always be a product of my environment, I’m still early in my journey 20 odd years or so but I’ve discovered my voice is being true to myself and being happy and content with figuring it out.

Yeah the title wasn’t catfish, I’m really trying to figure my voice. I’m eternally grateful you even read my jumbled thoughts. I appreciate you very much

Today more fallen souls, I’m sorry to put it in your face. Yes, they are nameless souls but they are still souls and souls always have value. May that be a reminder to us all that life is both short and long, depending on who you are. Love harder, love reckless and love infectiously. Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Love and light to you all on your path.