I’m now of the notion that it’s all my fault. This has not always been the case, but allow me, my lengthy thesis in rant form.
One word, Entitlement, I had it in the back of my mind somewhere, that someone, something, or the world in general owed me a great debt and I had to cash in. Which is strange, cause I come from a family that would allow the stench of that word anywhere near me. But understanding the world, growing up, and confusion all share an apartment, rent free.
Until very recently, I would have never considered myself ungrateful. But that’s because I was misunderstanding who I was, can’t be grateful with internal misunderstandings. I however want to strive for better, can’t be better if within I’m divided.
Ungrateful because my life is not how I imagined it in my head and instead of enjoying the life I have, I was miserable because the life in my head was somehow better than my actual reality. That I created entire scenes to go through my motions and like a failed director, I tried to control it all and ended tripping myself up.
Why was I ungrateful? I couldn’t allow myself to be who I completely was because I didn’t want the judgement of others. Especially all the bad traits I tried to hide in the pockets of the ripped jeans, deep in the parts of my closet no longer visited.
Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.
-Jesus Christ
Advice given free, read it time and again, but if there is no ounce of self awareness I could guess i would still be lost and divided.
I’m learning, slowly getting myself to the understanding of self. To understanding gratitude, for the life and passions I have. Visions that drive me to near insanity and for all those discomforting times of growth. Most importantly to living each moment of my life, completely and unashamedly in my truth!
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